The Real Thing
by FieryBrunette
Summary: This was it. Love.' Lily spends some time with alone with her tormented thoughts of James Potter.


**Author's Note:** **I decided to write this because I was suddenly struck by an inspiration lightning bolt. It's gonna be short, I assure you, but its purely for the empty feeling I want to communicate. It's not great, it's not even good, I just wanted to write it because I need to get some feelings off my back. Read and Review.**

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This was it.

Love.

She should have seen it coming. It was so obvious and right under her nose, so why didn't she get rid of it before it enveloped her, taking complete control of her thoughts and dreams?

It stalked her when she walked down the hallways, and lurked in the corner of her mind, only coming out when she least expected it. When she least needed it.

She lie there on the floor, crimson hair fanned out around her heart shaped face. Her dark-lashed lids fluttered over her malachite colored eyes. She sighed, making a noise similar to that of a small gust of wind through the entrance hall just a few floors below.

She loved him. She knew she did. But who was he?

_James._

The name itself brought a wave of chills over her. It was as if someone had dumped a bucket of water down the back of her white, paisley blouse.

She had been lying there for an hour now, trying to rid her muddled thoughts of him. She couldn't even say his name, for fear of increasing her feelings for him.

This emotion was iniquitous; it should have been made illegal, because it caused so much pain.

Lily felt like two people almost, one who was fully and completely with him, and one that was this empty, broken shell. She didn't think her heart even resided in her chest anymore, it's acute beat seemed to only be for one person only, and it wasn't her.

Struck by a thought, she sat up slowly and pulled a giant dictionary from under her bed.

She took a minute or two, pulling pages apart that had been fused together from years of neglect. She stopped on an old, withered page and took a deep breath before reading it aloud.

"Love: A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." She said, her voice hushed and breathless.

She had read it over a thousand times. She must have dog-eared that page so much that the corner had worn away and fallen to the floor.

Fury and confusion filled her up, making years and years of emotions build up inside her. This was it? This was the answer to her questions? She flung the book distastefully at the wall.

Answers. All she wanted was answers. Why did love exist? Was it possible to stop it? What was love? Even with the definition from the dictionary known by heart, she didn't feel that that was purely the answer. For years she had denied herself the one things she ever wanted, pushing away everyone that tried to comfort and love her. She kept her stern complexion up and never paid heed to the dull ache that was growing in her rib cage.

Lily stood, staring at the spot where the book had hit the floor, splitting from its cover in a mere matter of seconds. Her lower lip, chapped and dry, began to tremble and she closed her eyes in anguish.

_No,_ she thought,_ Not here. Not now. I will not cry. C'mon Evans...Don't do this-_

Too late.

She lost all sense of where she was and where she was going and sank to her knees on the lowest point of the room she could get to, the floor.

Her hair, so used to being pulled back in a tight bun, hung loosely among her shoulders, covering her face as she drooped her head.

A lump rose in her throat and she choked back a sob. She kept her eyes firmly closed, bringing the tears in them closer and closer to being released.

They came down, one after the other, racing down her freckled cheeks and onto the floor.

It was too much. How could she possibly feel so much for the boy who drove her absolutely insane for the last six years of her life? How could she even dare to think that she would ever be rid of this ghost? She buried her tear streaked face in her hands, crying quietly, refusing to drop to hysterics.

It had started as a simple crush on him, something that she thought would be over as soon as he angered her again by asking her out once more, but come seventh year, he said he wanted to be her friend. Now, they were best friends, and he had moved on and met Paisley and she wanted to literally die every time he gave her that lopsided smile.

Now that he no longer wanted her,** she **wanted **him**. It was so hypocritical and cruel, to go after the one thing that she had spurned for so long.

She wasn't sure why she loved him, maybe it was the way he would give her a hug whenever he saw her in the hallway, or the way his pulchritudinous eyes seem to penetrate her rough exterior into the inner walls of her very soul. He was always there for her, on the inside and out, but was it enough for her?

No, and it never would be.

"Lily?" A voice asked from outside her dorm.

She stood, frantically wiping away all signs that she had ever been crying. It still didn't help, her eyes were bloodshot and her hair was skewed.

"Wh-who is it?" She asked, trying to remove the watery sound her voice was giving out.

"It's James, can I come in?"

No, he couldn't come here. Not at this particular moment in time.

"I'm changing, James." She lied, fixing her hair and repairing the dictionary.

"Well, um, do you wanna come on a walk with me? I'm bored and lonely, Lils."

She could hear the plea in his tone, but blocked it out from her mind.

She hugged herself, digging her nails into her skin in torment. If only she could open that door, see his face again, look into those eyes and feel his smile like the warmth of the sun.

"I-I can't James." She said, squeezing two tears out of her eyes.

"Please Lily?"

_No, please don't beg me, James. Please just leave me alone._

I'm sorry James. But I have homework and I've gotta clean my room." She choked, fighting to keep absolute control over her voice.

"Lily? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine James! Just leave me alone!" She shouted, before shoving her face into her pillow to cry into.

"Um.. Lily." He said.

She didn't move until she heard his fading footsteps. When he had gone for sure, she turned and faced the empty room.

"I love you James. I love you so much." She said, stepping back from the door and failing to dry her damp face. She threw herself onto her bed, where she continued to cry until the sun peaked over the horizon the next day.

As a child, she thought love was a giddy feeling that only made people feel happy and complete.

Nobody told her that the real thing would hurt so much.


End file.
